Life Compensates for its Losses
by upfrombelow94
Summary: Although Caroline still mourns Kate's rejection (2x04), a new teacher at school grabs her attention. Will anything happen?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N This is set about two months after episode 2x04/2x05 when Caroline goes back to Kate's house to apologize for their unsuccessful weekend at the hotel. Kate does not want to try again, though, therefore ending their relationship._

 _However—as a heads up—this story is_ not _about Caroline and Kate. There are already so many great Caroline/Kate stories so that I was inspired to write a "post-Kate" story about Caroline and another woman. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless, and I am always grateful for feedback and comments!_

 **Life Compensates for its Losses**

Chapter 1

CAROLINE

Her room felt cold when she woke up, and she felt grateful that her body was tucked under warm, thick blankets. She could feel the ice-cold air burn on her cheeks yet found the contrasts to be quite balancing. Caroline had been seeing Kate's face—or, rather, the memory of Kate's face—next to her every morning; her lids closed and she breathing: quietly, peacefully.

It had been more than two months since Kate told her that she did not want to take another chance on her and seven weeks and six days since Kate had re-submitted her resignation the following day. Caroline had wanted for this to be just another bump in the road of their relationship, and at first, she firmly believed Kate would turn up in front of her door the next day, always the next day, and tell her that she wanted to try again. But she never had, and with every day, Caroline became more accepting of having to re-create a memory instead of being able to create a future. She had even heard that Kate had moved to a different town, a different district altogether—as far away from the fucked-up head teacher who had ruined her life.

Caroline was angry at herself for still thinking about Kate this frequently: Hadn't it been _her_ who had hesitated, who hadn't been equally invested? She knew that Kate had felt far more affection for her than she was able to reciprocate: She liked Kate a lot, and she liked being with her, and it had felt more right than it ever had with any man she'd been with. But did that automatically mean that Kate had to be the love of her life? After all, there are many couples—gay and straight—who aren't _really_ in love with each other. Kate was her first real relationship with a woman, and she had stumbled into it in midst of an ugly divorce, and so wasn't it only logical that she hadn't been able to commit herself fully?

Despite all of the excuses she tried to find for herself, she knew that she had been unfair to Kate—Kate, who had been nothing but supportive, and patient, and who had ultimately given her the courage to come out. But now, without anyone to love and support her, Caroline felt alone and increasingly scared: The ecstasy of her affection for Kate had previously covered most of the ugliness and hostility of her environment and the hardships that came with her sexuality, and it had given her the courage to stand up for herself. But now, she was on her own, and she suddenly felt weak and scared, exposed.

She didn't miss Kate like you are supposed to miss someone you love; she didn't miss Kate for Kate—and she couldn't help but feel guilty. But this guilt was overshadowed by her longing and loneliness: How much she wished that Kate—that _someone_ —were lying next to her in that very moment; how she longed to be kept warm by not a blanket but a body.

Suddenly, she realized that she was daydreaming, and when her eyes were caught by the digits of her alarm clock, she panicked. _Shit_ , she thought, _I have to leave the house in 30 minutes_. Times like these made her glad that her two sons were grown and could dress themselves, which gave her about 45 minutes more sleep every morning. And with her eldest son out of the house, mornings were less crowded, too.

After she got dressed and put on some makeup—only the essentials—she rushed into the kitchen, where Lawrence sat, eating his cereal in what seemed like slow-motion, while still wearing his pajamas.

"You better get dressed unless you want to go to school in this. I'm sure a lot of people would be amused," she said, taking the almost-empty bowl out of his hand and placing it in the sink.

Although he didn't say anything, she could almost hear his rolling his eyes as he got up and went upstairs. She poured herself some coffee and leaned on the counter as she enjoyed the first, delicious hot sip.

"Ten minutes!" she yelled, knowing Lawrence heard her and feeling a second eye-roll as he did.

* * *

Her office was filled with an unusual amount of paper work with which she had a love-hate relationship: She hated it because it was tedious and who didn't hate paper work? But she loved being alone in her office, hidden from all of the every-day school bullshit. Especially since Kate left, Caroline had been waiting for any rumors to die down, and she was grateful for every day she didn't overhear some students or staff whisper about her love life—and the likelihood of that was far greater outside of the safe walls of her office.

This was her first day back at work—she had taken two weeks off, her first time off in what felt like years, and although she'd wanted to take the time to rest, she'd spent most of it cleaning and re-arranging the house. While she was gone, her co-chair had hired someone new, someone who was supposed to—how guilty she felt, only thinking it—replace Kate. Caroline had approved the new teacher's CV, but she had not met her in person. Although she was already hired, Caroline still wanted to meet with her—she was the boss, after all, and she wanted to do her job right.

Before she could dedicate herself to tackling stacks of documents, she heard a faint knock on the door telling her it was 8:00 o'clock: The new teacher was just on time.

"Come in," she said, quickly.

A blonde woman peaked around the corner.

"Hi, I'm-"

"Jade Bishop?"

"Yes. Good morning. Can I come in?"

"Please," Caroline pointed to the seat in front of her.

The new teacher was short, blonde, middle-aged—probably only a few years younger than Caroline herself.

"Nice to meet you," she extended her hand and sat down, nervously, but with a smile.

It was right then that Caroline noticed her extraordinary, blue, stand-off eyes that were perfectly complimented by the warmth of her full-lips smile.

"So you're from Germany?" Caroline asked, quickly and nonchalantly, only to take the lead.

"Yes, I was born near Cologne if you've heard of it. But I've spent a lot of time in United States, and I've lived in the UK for about five years."

It was then that Caroline noticed her unusual accent—unusual for the area, at least—a combination of American and something indefinable. The accent of a world-traveler, she thought, and it intrigued her.

"So you're a traveler, huh?"

"Yes, well—I love it, but it's been nice staying in the same country, too."

"Right, right," Caroline looked down, her glasses on the tip of her nose, and scanned Ms. Bishop's resumé.

"I see that you studied English in college, but you didn't study Drama there."

"No, I actually took drama classes after graduation so I would be able to teach it."

"Good, well—and you've been teaching for ten years now? What were you doing before?"

"I was living in New York, trying to make it as an actor and writer. You know, the dream of half of the population," she laughed nervously.

"And what made you decide to become a teacher?"

"After years in New York and only poor success, I was longing for a more stable job and environment. I had given tutor lessons during high school and college, and I've always loved helping younger people grow. And, you know, it's a very mutual relationship: I can inspire them as much as they can inspire me. And I feel like with teaching, I can really make an impact while still talking about the things I love."

Caroline only then noticed that she had been smiling, and she was quick to force her face into a neutral expression to maintain a serious, boss-like appearance.

"Good, good. Has my colleague already—?"

"Yes, she's sent me my schedule; I've got my first class in an hour."

"Well, you're all set, then," Caroline scooted back her chair, stood up, and reached for the other woman's hand.

"Thank you," Ms. Bishop said, and Caroline opened the door and watched as she passed her.

"Have a nice day."

"You too. Good luck!" Caroline hesitated for a second before closing the door: Her attention was grabbed by the black-fabric-covered shape of Ms. Bishop's body as she was walking away from her—her figure about the same as her own; her bust and waist more accentuated, making her look very feminine.

She felt silly when she caught herself starring, and she closed the door firmly. She just stood there for a second, one hand on her hip, the other on the wall, not knowing what to think or whether to feel happy, sad, excited, or scared. She shook her head, trying to shake off any distracting thoughts, and sat back down in her big chair. Caroline let out a big sigh before taking the first folder from one pile.

"Here we go."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N_

 _I have decided to split the narrative so that you can get an insight into both Caroline's and Jade's perspective. I understand that many of you want Kate to come back or to be involved somehow, but aside from a possible cameo I really want to keep it between Caroline and Jade, and I thought maybe you'll like Jade more if you get to know her a little better. The majority of this story will be written in Caroline's perspective, but I will make use of Jade's view as well so that you have two sides. I added "CAROLINE" to the first chapter, and I will add either "CAROLINE" or "JADE" before a chapter/paragraph from now on. This chapter includes paragraphs from Jade's_ and _Caroline's perspective._

 _Thank you so much for your comments (Although seems to have swallowed a few of them—I received more e-mail notifications than reviews have shown up on here. Please don't let that discourage you from commenting, though—it always makes my day!). I always closely consider suggestions, but please don't be sad if I decide to continue the story differently. Anyways, long story short: I hope you enjoy this next chapter. It often takes me some time to get started with a story, but I sure hope it will be worth it—so please bear with me!_

Chapter 2

JADE

She'd always had a thing for blonde women, and sometimes she wondered whether there was something wrong with her: Not because she loved women—she'd stopped blaming herself for that long ago—but because she loved women who resembled her. Most people she knows were attracted to people who looked a lot different: Blondes usually liked brunettes; redheads liked black-haired women, and so on. But she'd always loved blondes, even when she was little, when she'd confused her attraction to women with adoration for them. Only when she was about sixteen years, she realized that she didn't want to _be_ the women she liked—she wanted to be _with_ them.

The second she'd googled the staff at the school when she applied, she noticed how much Ms. Dawson was her type. She'd spent a few seconds fantasizing about her; however, these thoughts vanished quickly as they were just an evening fantasy and the result of two glasses of wine and years of loneliness. But now that Caroline was her actual boss, she tried to banish all deviant thoughts.

 _She's your boss,_ she thought, _don't fuck this up. You_ need _this job._

It didn't matter, anyways, because chances were that she was not gay, or even bisexual. Most women she was attracted to were usually straight, and oh, how she hated straight women because she'd had her fair share of bad experiences with them. Matter of fact, her first heartbreak—and, up to today, her worst—was with a straight women, her best friend, who had apparently thought she could kiss her for hours without having any impact on her. It was a consolation to her when a few years later, after coming out, she got more involved in the community and almost every queer woman she talked to had one of those "straight-girl experiences," but it didn't make the pain any less, and had taken her many years to truly get over it.

Sometimes she thought that that was it—this had been the one person she'd truly loved, and that person hadn't loved her back, and that was her one great experience of love, _true_ love. This was not a movie, after all, and so there was no guarantee she would get her knight—knightess?—in shining armor in the end. Although—even if this was a movie, she or her girlfriend would probably get killed considering the irrationally high rate of lesbian characters that are killed off on television. Either way, she'd pretty much accepted that she was fucked, and finding another great love would be an unlikely bonus to the semi-decent life she'd lived.

Thinking about it, she did remember one of her new colleagues make a remark about Ms. Dawson—"Watch out, she needs a new girl toy"—that struck her as odd and incredibly rude. She'd wanted to ask follow-up questions, but before she could, some staff had entered the room and his comment seemed forgotten—at least to him. Thinking about it now, at home, she was furious: There was nothing she hated more than homophobic people—they belonged to the same category as sexist ones—and she was angry at herself for not saying something. Although she could never think about something savvy when confronted with these kinds of comments, she would always be able to think of the best responses at home and would spend hours pondering over conversations she'd had with bigoted people.

She was used to the weird and slightly disgusted look people gave her when she revealed that she was gay _and_ a feminist—the deathly combination—and she could see in their eyes that they were confused how she could be feminine and conventionally pretty, and not what they considered ugly: overweight and overly hairy.

That kind of reasoning used to be why she'd doubted her sexuality in her teens, but situations like the one earlier that day, in Ms. Dawson's office, were reminders that she was undeniably gay. After she'd left her new boss's office, she'd felt a rush of excitement in her body, and as she was walking outside, she'd felt like she was being watched, which added to the tingly feeling. Even then, she couldn't deny that she had a big crush on Ms. Dawson already, and it had ultimately helped her get through the day. She had been incredibly anxious—as always—but her new crush gave her a sense of childish excitement and happiness, and—even though she knew how stupid it sounded—gave her being there a purpose.

Of course she loved teaching, she always had, but she also knew the downsides of it. Not only colleagues but students could be mean, and prejudiced, and bullies. Although she increasingly noticed how children were a lot kinder and open-minded than adults, and she was unsure of whom it was she dreaded the most.

But now tomorrow wasn't just another day of work, it was a day of possibly seeing Ms. Dawson, so it could only be a good day—or at least not a bad one.

Her eyes shot to her phone when she heard it buzzing, and she picked it up immediately.

"Hey. Yes, like we said, seven o'clock. I'll meet you there."

* * *

CAROLINE

Her mornings always seemed the same, and she tried to preoccupy herself every time she caught herself thinking about the routine of her life because it made her feel an intense sadness, and she'd sworn she wouldn't give in to her depression. She had responsibilities after all: She was a mother, a head teacher, a daughter… but sometimes she felt like she never had the time to be herself, and when she tried, the world would conspire against her. Kate leaving was the best proof of that.

Although this morning, one tiny thing had been different, and she only noticed it when she was already sitting in her office: Right after waking up, she hadn't thought of Kate—she blamed it on lack of time: She'd been in a rush even more than usually and had got out of bed immediately after hitting the snooze button for the third time.

She liked early mornings in the office—she usually didn't teach until 9AM and so she could wake up properly the first couple of hours in her office with a cup of coffee and the sweet silence of the absence of people.

She sighed as she heard a knock on her door. _Of course_ , she thought, _even a few minutes of silent bliss would be too much._ When she glanced over her glasses to the door, though, her frown disappeared.

"Ms. Bishop," she said in a pitch that was unusual for her so that she felt self-conscious and wondered whether it had sounded overly excited.

"Hi, sorry I'm bothering you. Can I—," she gestured toward the chair.

"Yeah, sure; take a seat," Caroline folded her hands in order to seem confident. "How was your first day yesterday?"

"Oh—It was good! I had some trouble finding the rooms, but other than that, it was a really positive experience. The colleagues seemed nice and so did the students."

"Well, just wait a week," she joked and immediately regretted her sad attempt at being funny while Jade let out an airy laugh.

"I—I know this is only my second day, and I probably have no right to make any demands but—," she stopped to look at Caroline's face in an attempt to read it, unsuccessfully.

"I looked up the school's clubs and after-school programs, and I saw that there was no safe space for LGBTQ people. You know, lesbian, gay—"

"I know what it means," Caroline countered, hoping she didn't sound rude.

"Oh, okay, um… anyways, I was wondering whether you would be interested—well, I guess if the school would be interested in forming a group. I'd volunteer to lead it—We could meet once a week and, you know, raise awareness, offer open-talk sessions, plan activities together—I mean, only if that would be fine with you, of course—"

Caroline couldn't help but smile, and she felt incredibly lucky—what a coincidence, she thought, to meet someone with the same interests—could you call it interests?—as her. Sometimes she felt like a crazy person within the heteronormativity of the school, and her colleagues, and the students, and their parents, and it often felt like she was the only one swimming against the tide. Except for Kate, of course, but Kate was gone, and she was alone.

"That sounds like a lovely idea."

"Really?"

She could see the surprise in Jade's face, and she noticed once again the extraordinary beauty of her smile, and how her eyes lit up every time the corners of her mouth turned upwards.

"Oh, that is—amazing, really; thank you so much. Do you have to talk to a board about it, take a vote or something? Or—"

"No, no… I mean, technically I could, but in the end, I make the decision. Some parents are really sensitive when it comes to those kinds of topics, but they will have to go through me, so don't worry."

"Oh okay, uh.."

Caroline noticed that she'd made Ms. Bishop a little insecure, "Really, don't worry."

She had the impulse to take her hand—her presence felt familiar, almost intimate—but she was able to stop herself before she did.

"Should I design some flyers?"

"Yes, type up a few sentences explaining the group's purpose and the time and date of the first meeting and send it to me or just come by my office."

"Perfect; thank you—thank you so much. I really appreciate it."

* * *

The next day Caroline heard a knock on her door at almost the same time as the day before, and the blonde's head peaked into the door.

"Hi," she said in a confident, happy tone, before handing Caroline a piece of paper.

"Good morning," Caroline responded, taking the paper out of her hands.

"I came up with a short description. Thursdays at three o'clock would work best with my schedule, would that be okay?"

"I don't see why not," she looked up from behind her glasses briefly and offered a quick smile.

"Ask my assistant to check for room availability, and I'll add that to the description."

"Thank you so much."

There was a brief moment of silence that felt awkward to Caroline, but she didn't say anything because she was trying to come up with another topic to talk about to keep Jade in the room just a little longer. Before she could think of anything semi reasonable, though, her intense brainstorming was interrupted by Jade's oddly attractive and interesting voice.

"You can come if you want. I mean, if you'd like to take a look if—if everything's alright," Jade stammered.

Caroline could sense her nervousness and, in some way, it made her feel more confident.

"I will," Caroline answered, softly, "I definitely will."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N I apologize for the delayed update—I was sick and not in the mood to write, and I didn't want to give you a lazy chapter, though I'm not quite satisfied with how this one turned out, either. Anyways, thank you again so much for your lovely comments. They truly make my day and keep me motivated to write. To those of you asking—there may be a possibility that Kate makes a cameo, but as I said, I don't want to limit myself and I also don't want to spoil anything. I hope that this chapter will keep you interested—I promise the next chapter will be more eventful! Enjoy!_

Chapter 3

CAROLINE

She had been waiting for today for forever. Well, technically, it had just been a little over a week, but it had felt like forever. It was Thursday, 3:24 p.m.—Ms. Bishop's LGBTQ support group had started twelve minutes ago, and there she was, sitting in her office like a child, waiting for a good moment to come by. She wanted to show her support yet she didn't want to go in the beginning as she didn't want to seem too eager or interested—although, wasn't that silly? She _was_ gay, after all, so this would be the right place for her. Yet she felt that as a head teacher, her duty was to seem "neutral," not actively participating in a gay event. Or was that her internalized homophobia speaking? Even after a few months of publicly acknowledging that she was gay, she was unable to completely suppress a feeling of otherness. She had been out to her family, yes, but she still hadn't managed to make an official statement at work. As much as she acted like she didn't care and like she had it under control, the truth was that she was scared that it would possibly affect her work life, her reputation. So she'd decided to go toward the end to show her support in some way—Ms. Bishop would understand, wouldn't she? Caroline was a busy woman, after all.

It would have been easier if Kate had stuck around so they could have made their relationship official—even at school. It would have been easier—taking the burden together. But an official announcement had never been made, and Kate had left her before the two would have had any opportunity to make their coupledom visible at school. So now that she was gay but single, it felt like the cat was out of the bag but it was an invisible cat, leaving everyone confused but guessing—including her. Some days she thought she had it all figured out, and others she felt like she was drowning.

She hadn't seen Ms. Bishop as much as she'd hoped she would—after the first two or three days, school routine had taken its place and Caroline had been swamped with unsatisfied parents, irrational demands from teachers, disobedient students, and even more paper work. And Ms. Bishop—well, she had surely been busy with the usual teacher work, and there was no reason for her to come in—it made sense. Yet it made her feel angry, and silly, and ashamed. Why was she obsessing over this woman that she barely even knew? She was forty-six, after all, not sixteen.

As much as she scorned herself for it, it also filled her with tingly excitement that she was almost too proud to admit she felt. When she was overcome with those feelings she often had to think back to her time with John, and how in all of their almost twenty years of marriage she had never even come close to feel what she was feeling with Kate, or now with Ms. Bishop—although it was silly to compare Kate with Ms. Bishop, obviously; Ms. Bishop was merely a crush. But even her and Kate's relationship hadn't lasted long, and it still puzzled her how a few months of off-and-on could have been better and felt more right than _years_ of marriage.

The phone rang, and she jerked slightly. She always felt off-guard when she was caught in her daydreaming, examining her feelings—it was a vulnerable place even if only visible to her, and it scared her to think anyone would even come close to know her thoughts, as if they could crawl through her glassy eyes and into her brain, into her deepest, most secret thoughts merely by looking at her. Being disturbed during such an intimate moment always felt like she had been caught. _That's it, they know._ But what would they know? It was silly and she knew it, but it couldn't help it.

"Mum, hi," she braced herself on her desk with both arms, glad to hear her mother's voice yet slightly annoyed by the demands-to-come.

"Hello, love," Celia responded, hesitating briefly before continuing her speech.

"Alan and I will pop around to spend the weekend in Harrogate. We wanted to have dinner with you to fill you in on our wedding plans. I know Gillian and you wanted to have the primary responsibility, and we already talked everything through with her, so we'd like to fill you in—"

"Oh, yeah—yeah, yeah, sure. The boys are out tomorrow anyways—William has to study for exams and Lawrence is staying at a friend's."

"Should we bring any food?" Celia asked out of courtesy rather than sincerity.

"Don't be silly, mum; I'll come up with something," her glance wandered to the clock—3:32p.m.—and she panicked suddenly. What if they'd just discussed some basics and left early? What if she'd missed it?

"Mum, I gotta go. I have a… meeting."

"Well, okay, love. I'll see you tomorrow. Tata!"

Caroline hung up the phone quickly and rushed into the halls. While she was walking, she tried to control her pace and look professional and cool rather than distressed.

When she found the door, she paused briefly to take a breath and gather her courage, though she had gripped the handle to open the door before she could gather anything, deciding in those few seconds that it would be easier to just _do_ it instead of pondering.

Ms. Bishop was facing her, talking in front of a group of students—about ten, more than she'd expected—and noticed her immediately. She greeted her with a smile, though she didn't interrupt her talk. A few of the students turned their heads, though they quickly resumed their original position when they saw who'd come in. Caroline stayed in the back of the room and leaned on a table right next to the door.

"Jen, you suggested a Pride day to raise awareness and celebrate—I thought that was a lovely idea. Of course we would have to put some time into organizing it properly, and we'd also have to make sure the school approves," Ms. Bishop deliberately looked at Caroline, who could only offer a coy smile as she had been busy observing Ms. Bishop closely—her stand-off eyes, her full lips, the way she carried herself were fascinating to her.

A student raised his hand, "We could meet up shortly before the event and have a baking session so we can raise money."

"That's a great idea, Oliver. Actually, I think it would be wise to sell cake a few weeks _before_ Pride day, too, so we can raise money in advance and make students aware that it is coming up."

Caroline was filled with intense happiness when she was watching Jade interact with the students—although she knew it was nothing special, she was taken with Ms. Bishop's warmness and candour, with her determination and leadership. Caroline knew that it wasn't only adoration but also attraction she felt, and she zoned out for a few seconds, overwhelmed by her senses. Funny enough, it was Jade's voice that brought her back to reality.

"Alright, I guess that's it for today. You guys know what you want to prepare for our next meeting, and you have my e-mail address. Have a good weekend, everybody, and I'll see you next Thursday!"

When Caroline looked up, she could see students pass her by and leave, while Ms. Bishop was cleaning the board. Caroline got up and took a few, slow steps—cautious to say anything before all of the students had left. Right when she was about to say something, she was cut off.

"So, how'd you like it? Does the school administration approve?" Ms. Bishop smirked as she put the sponge back into its place and turned to face the desk, and Caroline.

"Yes—yes of course—I was glad that so many people were interested."

"Yeah… yeah, me too. The kids seemed really nice, and I really felt that they appreciated this opportunity."

They both looked down and, for a moment, a thick silence filled the room.

"I—I didn't want to put you in the spot earlier—when I said—about the Pride day—"

"Oh, no, I didn't see it that way! Don't worry—as I said, we'll work it out, and anyone who doesn't approve is my concern, not yours."

"Thank you. I mean it. I really appreciate it, I really do. This school is lucky to have such—," Jade paused briefly, and Caroline knew she was looking for an appropriate term, "—liberal-minded and supportive leadership. Not all schools have that…" Her last words were barely audible, and she lowered her head.

"Would you like to go out for dinner?" Caroline said, in a loud and determined voice, regretting it the second she said it. "I mean, would you like to grab some food—right now?" She tried to rephrase her question in an attempt to make it seem more casual and less like a date.

"I would love to," she said with a smile, not questioning any of Caroline's botched request.

"Oh," Caroline was unable to hide her surprise, "Great!" she switched to a more exhilarated tone.

Ms. Bishop grabbed her purse and jacket from the chair and stood in front of Caroline before she realized what was happening.

"Let's go," she said with a smile that erased Caroline's anxiety all at once before walking out of the room, and Caroline turned to follow.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N You guys! I am so incredibly sorry it's taken me so long to update this fic. I've been swamped with work ever since university's started, and the small free time I have I usually spend with family or sleeping. Anyways, I hope the long wait didn't spoil the story for you, and I hope that this extra-long chapter might make it up to you. I really am going to try to update it more frequently, but I also hope you understand if it takes me a little longer. As always, I'd love feedback, and I hope all of you are enjoying the season and are looking forward to the soon-to-be-aired Christmas special!_

Chapter 4

JADE

She'd always made a point of being independent, of having unhindered control of her life—her independence had been one of the most important qualities in her life. Whenever there were times she was dependent on someone—because of illness, or money, or otherwise—she'd felt a sense of humiliation, as if accepting help was an inhibition to her accomplishments, as if it erased all of her other successes and proved that she was, and had always been, a child. Jade knew it was silly; after all, she was lucky to have people around her who were willing to help her.

When she'd realized she couldn't afford a car after moving to England, it wasn't a big deal for her to use public transportation: that's what she'd been doing most of her life, anyways. When she grew up in the country and later, when she lived in big whenever anything involved being helped, her mind fell back into feeling guilty, and so when Caroline offered her a ride to the restaurant, she couldn't help but feel anxious: it reminded her of times when she'd given up her independence, her liberty.

And anyways, hadn't she promised herself not to get involved with women yet? Her last heartache still somewhat lasted, and she was terrified remembering the way she'd given up her selfhood for another person, how she'd so completely depended on someone just to be left in pieces, unable to function without the other.

But within seconds, Jade had convinced herself that it was all in her head and that she would of course ride with Caroline, because she was being friendly and it was convenient—not because Jade was dependent.

She was nervous sitting in Caroline's big, black car—it assigned the other woman some sort of power, of status, and it didn't help that Jade felt awkward being in a car with someone she hardly knew—what to talk about?—and that she was under the pressure to make a good impression.

Luckily for her, though, the ride didn't take long: Caroline had picked a small restaurant right around the corner so that they didn't have the time to start a proper conversation before they reached the parking lot.

CAROLINE

Caroline loved this restaurant—its small size had a certain kind of charm, and the surprisingly warm temperatures made it possible to sit outside, even in the late afternoon. By this time, it was already getting dark and the owners had just turned on the set of lights they'd hung throughout the outside section of the restaurant. Each table had a set of candles, and Caroline suddenly felt embarrassed, anxious that the place looked too romantic so that Jade would get the wrong impression—though, _would_ it be the wrong impression?

"Is this okay?" Caroline asked insecurely, the two of them stopping in front of the beautifully lit, small tables.

"It's beautiful," Jade smiled, and Caroline couldn't help but notice the lights reflect in her eyes, as if Jade was a universe, and her eyes the world.

"A table for two?" The waiter's soft voice seemed harsh as he interrupted Caroline's brief daydreaming.

"Yes," she turned her head to face him, "please."

They ordered drinks quickly—red wine for both—and after listening to some of the waiter's recommendations, they ordered dinner.

"So," Jade started, "you have kids? I saw some pictures on your desk at work, so I'm assuming—"

"Yes, yes. Two boys: Lawrence and William. Lawrence is still in school, and William has started college, so he's only home on some weekends."

"Oh that's nice, that he can come visit."

"Yeah, definitely. Though I also enjoy having the house to myself. At times I feel too old for teenage-boy yelling."

Jade laughed, genuinely, and Caroline returned the smile without having to try.

"You said you've lived in New York?" Caroline followed up, scared to let any amount of awkward silence make her seem boring.

"Yes," Jade took a small sip of her wine, "a few years. I'd always wanted to live there—my dream was to become an actress and so I got a job there after I'd finished college."

"Oh, wow, that's…"

"Stupid?" Jade laughed.

"No, no," Caroline said sincerely—she wanted Jade to know she hadn't meant to mock her.

"Brave. I don't think I could've done that. Especially—you said you were born in Germany? I don't think I could have lived in another country by myself." Caroline thought about Celia, and her boys, and Alan, and felt a short moment of gratitude.

"Well, it certainly wasn't easy… I'd realized that I had to compromise either way, but I couldn't have lived with not having tried. I guess happiness is a momentary feeling, not a state."

Caroline didn't know whether it was the wine that got to her head, but Jade's words sounded incredibly wise, and her soft voice along with the lights added something magical to the atmosphere.

"Why did you leave?" Caroline regretted her question right after it fell out of her mouth; it felt clumsy and inappropriate, and Caroline hoped she hadn't spoiled the mood.

"That's—I mean—a few reasons, I guess. It turns out becoming an actress is harder than it looks, and having the woman you love fool you wasn't too much fun, either." Jade looked down, then reached for her glass to take another, slightly bigger, sip.

"I'm sorry, I—I didn't mean to get too personal," Caroline apologized, nervously.

"No, you're absolutely fine. It's fine. I mean, we _are_ having dinner outside of school, so it's meant to be personal in a way, isn't it?"

Before Caroline could answer—although she couldn't think of an answer, anyways—the waiter brought out two big plates of food, and they both ate slowly, asking short, easily answerable questions in-between. Caroline was scared to ask anything too personal; she felt like she'd hit a vulnerable spot earlier, and it had scared her briefly, since she'd only experienced Jade as confident, strong, and independent.

When the waiter brought the check, Caroline swiftly pulled out her wallet.

"My treat," she said strongly.

"Oh—you—you really don't have to do that, I—," Jade stammered.

"Oh no, please, it's fine. See it as a welcome dinner," Caroline leaned forward, bracing on the table with one hand and smiled, then leaned back when the waiter brought the receipt.

"Well, then, thank you," Jade said, genuinely, after the waiter'd left. "Next dinner is on me, though," she added quickly.

The two got up and Caroline stopped briefly when she noticed Jade searching for something in her purse, which she'd put on the table.

"Sorry, I just—I can't find my wallet," Jade went on to check in her coat's pocket, then continued to search in her purse.

"I swear I had it with me earlier."

"Do you think you forgot it at the school?"

"I—I don't know, maybe… I could _swear_ I put it in here."

"Do you want me to drive you back there?"

"Oh—I mean, it's late, I don't want you to have to make a detour," Jade stopped digging and looked up, her hands still buried in her purse.

"I don't mind, really," Caroline tried to sound convincing—she genuinely wanted to help Jade, and the thought of spending some more time with Jade made her secretly excited.

"Only if you've got time, I bet Lawrence is expecting you."

"Oh he can look after himself, he's a grown lad," Caroline took her keys and started walking into the direction of her car. "Come on, we're going."

She stopped and turned back to send Jade an affirming smile and continued when she saw Jade follow, purse and coat in hand.

* * *

By the time they got to the school it was already dark, and Caroline's car was the only one in the parking lot. When Caroline got outside, she noticed that the air had become chillier than she'd expected, and so she grabbed her coat from the backseat of the car.

"The good thing about being the boss is, I have the keys," Caroline smirked as they walked toward the entrance.

"Good thing I chose you to go out to dinner with, then," Jade joked.

Caroline was positively surprised by Jade's remark, and for a second she thought about whether she was flirting with her. She'd never been able to tell—being married for so long had killed her flirting instincts.

The headmistress opened the door for Jade, and then she got out her phone to shine some light.

"Oh, shoot. The lights don't work after 5p.m.—I don't know how many times I have to tell the janitor to install motion sensors. What if we were burglars? We could just _waltz_ in here and go unseen."

Jade found Caroline's dramatic gestures accompanying her rant amusing, and she let out an airy laugh.

"Well, maybe we _are_ burglars and the dark is a benefit," Jade glanced at her temptingly and then turned to walk up the stairs. Caroline smiled to herself briefly, Jade's face filling her with childish excitement.

Jade took out her mobile, too, and went up the stairs slower than usually, holding on to the rail.

"We should probably check the meeting room first—I don't think I would leave it after class, and I didn't take my purse anywhere else but to the support group meeting."

The two women walked to the room next to each other: comfortably close but not touching. Jade went into the room first, headed to the desk first and set her phone down so that it brightly lit the ceiling, though leaving the rest of the room dark.

Caroline approached her, trying to shine her light vaguely into the direction Jade was looking.

"See anything?"

"Not yet," Jade opened a few drawers, then shutting them with frustration.

Caroline turned to look around to room, her phone lighting up the posters and pictures students had hung throughout the room.

"Found it! The little fucker was hiding between my desk and the table beside it."

Caroline turned her head, though not her body. "Oh, good," she smiled and turned back, looking at one particular poster.

Without turning again, she noticed that Jade had walked over to her, now standing a little behind and to the side of her.

She couldn't help but stare at the poster, quietly reading the quote over and over again, being impacted by it more than she could rationally explain. Before she could tear herself out of her trance, she heard Jade's soft voice reading the words, slowly yet with force.

" _After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love never will and never has brought happiness. On the contrary: it's a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony._ —Paulo Coelho"

Caroline turned to see Jade's face though it was only dimly lit, her silhouette traced by the light of her phone that was still lying on the table.

" _The Witch of Portobello_. One of my favorite books by him."

She now looked at Caroline and, although her mouth formed a shy curve, she wasn't smiling—Caroline could tell that Jade was impacted by the quote just as she was, and her voice contained a sense of knowledge and endurance, as if to say I know, _I've been there_. A melancholy sadness that made her seem both strong and vulnerable, and Caroline felt it created a sudden feeling of intimacy.

"And not just because I'm a witch," Jade added, and Caroline could tell it was to lighten the mood, but Caroline suddenly felt so confident, the dimly lit room and unusual location giving her a feeling of being beyond time and space, as if rules didn't apply.

Caroline now turned around fully to face Jade, who stopped smiling as soon as she saw Caroline's serious face. The two stared into each other's eyes, neither of them looking down though both were tempted, and Caroline took one step toward Jade, raising her right hand to place it on Jade's cheek. She caressed it softly, tilting her head minimally to look at her more intensively, suddenly feeling more confident than in a long time. She then locked the tips of her fingers behind Jade's neck and pulled her face toward her own, instantly feeling an intense rush throughout her body when she felt the other's soft lips.

Caroline felt Jade grab her coat to pull her closer and she didn't resist, using this force to pull Jade's face closer, too. Their mouths opened wider as Caroline placed her other hand on Jade's cheek, and it almost felt like Jade's lips had become even softer when their fluids mixed together, embracing both of their lips gently.

Caroline tried to disguise that she had to catch her breath when she felt Jade's hands wander around her waist and under her coat, and she reciprocated by moving her hand from Jade's cheek to her right arm, carefully slipping it under her cardigan to move it down her shoulder. She could feel her whole body's heat rising, and suddenly she wanted Jade so badly, so urgently, she didn't care that they were in a classroom at school, at _her_ school. The tickling sensation became stronger and quickly moved to her core, and Caroline could feel herself getting wet without trying, with every new time she tasted Jade's lips from a slightly different angle intensifying this sensation.

Just when Caroline was about to slip her hand under and up the other woman's shirt, Jade suddenly pulled back, taking a step back, her right hand half-covering her mouth while the other was wrapped around her waist.

"I—I can't I'm—"

Seeing Jade struggle, Caroline suddenly felt guilty, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do anything you didn't—I thought I'd read the signs correctly—"

Jade turned and went to the desk, grabbed her wallet, phone, coat, and purse, and rushed out of the room.

"Jade!" Caroline's voice echoed through the hallway, and after quickly grabbing her stuff, she followed Jade through the dark hallway, struggling to keep up.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N After neglecting you guys for such a long time, I somehow managed to write another chapter only days after writing the last one—well, let's just say Christmas markets and mulled wine inspire me to write, especially when it comes to my gays. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this little chapter—thank you for sticking around and for commenting; it truly always makes my day. To the one person who asked about Flora—I'm sorry to disappoint you, but if you read my author's note at the very beginning, you will see that this story takes place after Kate left Caroline and before they even had Flora, so there will not be any storyline connected to Flora as she does not exist in this universe. I'm sorry! I still hope you can enjoy this fic. Happy December, everyone! xx_

CHAPTER 5

CAROLINE

Caroline hadn't heard from Jade for fifty-two hours—two days and four hours; it was almost 12a.m. and she couldn't believe that she was awake, that was awake because of a woman, because of someone who wasn't her children or herself—the only people she'd expect to be awake for. She was awake because of a woman, a woman she barely knew, but a woman who nonetheless had left a lasting impression on her. She hated when people said that love was a gift, that love was what everyone should strive for, because every time she had been in love, she had been disappointed—whether it was when she was barely twenty: when she had kissed a woman for the first time and suddenly everything had made sense; whether it was when she'd kissed Kate, in secret, just barely without her secretary noticing, or whether it was when she'd kissed Jade, so suddenly and unexpectedly—so out of her comfort zone—but yet she had, and she immediately sensed that it was more than compulsion, or obsession, or pure desire—it was something that exceeded desire, something that was almost impossible to comprehend, rare to find, and hard to keep.

In those moments, her marriage to John seemed almost ridiculous, preposterous—and with every time she kissed a woman, she regretted her choice to deny her identity for social acceptance and stability; she regretted that she had given more importance to such forces than to love, desire, and her own selfhood. In a way, she was proud of herself—how long it had taken her to get to this place—but then, in times like these, she was reminded of the hardships that come with actually being in love, or being close to being in love—the anxieties, the efforts, the pains. But after all, wasn't it worth it? She still hadn't figured it out, and it still puzzled her.

She'd thought about texting Jade, but she also wanted to let her have some space. Right after Jade had disappeared, Caroline had followed her, but any attempts to connect to Jade like she had in that classroom had failed.

"Stay, _please_ ," she remembers herself saying. But Jade didn't stay, and it almost was like Kate all over again—Jade's cab came, and she was gone, and Caroline was left alone, the freshness of hope still resounding in her heart and floating out of her body, as if a wound had just been opened and blood began to run out, leaving her body weak and changed.

Before she could realize what had happened, Jade was gone, and Caroline was left with her feelings, the heat of her body, and the hope of new love, gone. And now she had this whole weekend to herself, with William being in college and Lawrence being busy with his sports matches, and she had to spend them on her own, left to herself and her thoughts. How much she'd rather have a woman next to her, to drown out her thoughts and fill them with love or desire or sex—anything to make this absence of noise and bodies go away.

* * *

JADE

With every new time she pressed the needle to her skin and pushed it in—just so it hurt enough, but not outside of her control—with every time she felt the rush as soon as her veins began to fill with more than blood; with every time she felt herself coming down, crashing, she promised herself that she would stop—that she would replace this love affair for another, that she would put herself first.

She ridiculed herself for thinking any new relationship could ever work; after all, she already had a lover—a very demanding one, one that gave her the best and the worst of times, one that would consume her whole life, so how could she ever let someone else in?

After all of those years, Jade still didn't know whether she took heroine because she hated or because she loved herself—was it to exceed all of her possibilities, or was it to hide her insecurities?

When she'd started her new position at the school, she'd promised herself to quit—but she also knew herself very well, and she knew that she'd promised to quit about a dozen times, and she never had. At times she realized how absolutely ridiculous and irresponsible she was being—she had just accepted a new job, teaching adolescents, and making a special effort to keeping LGBTQ folks off the streets, and yet she there she was, giving way to addiction, accepting the pressure of being a gay woman, letting something else control her life. What was choice, after all? Was it admitting to love who you love, or was it complying with your addictions?

As she felt the familiar rush, these questions vanished from her head, and she was able to lie back completely thoughtlessly, trying to leave her body just enough to escape all of the things that she was scared of.

* * *

CAROLINE

By the time it was Monday, Caroline could barely stand the anticipation—she knew her schedule was busy, but she was determined to make time to see Jade, whether it was intentionally or her pretending it was by accident; she was the head teacher, after all, and she could walk into any classroom without legitimate reasons whenever she wanted—at least that was what she told herself.

She almost felt bad that she was glad that her mother and Alan had had to postpone their trip to Harrogate—Gillian had had to work unexpectedly, and Raff had needed someone to babysit, and since the two of them were very fond of Calamity—as they liked to call her—they'd decided to stay in Halifax and come around the following weekend. After what had happened last Thursday, she was glad that no one had really been at the house to bother her—as much as she'd liked to pretend that she was the strong, independent woman who had her shit together, she appreciated the time she had to herself, when she was allowed to fall apart without anybody noticing.

In the end, she decided to use her authority and make the situation easy for herself—she would simply call Jade in for a meeting, to discuss Pride week. Although she secretly knew this wasn't completely professional, she tried not to care—after all, wasn't that what men had been doing for centuries, using their authority to benefit themselves personally?

"Ms. Bishop is here," her secretary's soft voice warned her while she was sitting in her office, pretending to get work done although she was a nervous wreck, merely re-reading the same documents over and over again in order to disguise her lack of productivity.

"Yes, thank you. Bring her in," Caroline said quietly, carefully readjusting her bangs and trying to sit as casually as possible.

Caroline immediately felt her heart stop and her stomach turn when Jade came in—her blonde hair, her feminine figure, her blue eyes and cheek-bone accentuated smile—but she tried to seem as authoritative as possible and continued to remind herself that she was the boss.

"Hey," Jade said, softly, "I was told you wanted to see me."

"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about Pride week," Caroline said in an attempt to sound professional.

When Jade didn't respond, Caroline gestured for her to sit down and so she did—the way she casually descended into the chair, folding her legs and bracing her arm on the chair, made her seem so confident and sexy that Caroline almost forgot the sentences she'd intended to say and had practiced over and over again all morning.

"So I talked to the board and although not all of the members were delighted, they gave me—well, us—permission. I convinced them that it, uh, was essential to the diversity of the school. I used all of the standard sentences to push liberal events, you know."

Caroline's insecurities rose when Jade didn't reply right away, and her body relaxed as soon as she heard words fall from Jade's mouth.

"That's great; thank you so much."

Now there was an unbearable silence between them; neither of them knew what to say, although both of them wanted to say so much.

"Anything else?" Jade inquired, and Caroline realized that Jade's position from when they last saw hadn't changed much and that she had to initiate something herself, or this short meeting would be over before she knew it.

"Yes. Actually, I wanted to ask you whether you'd like to pop around for dinner next Saturday. My—Lawrence and William will be out, and I'd been wanting to try this new recipe for—anyways, I'd been wondering whether you'd like to—"

Caroline choked up when Jade looked down, and she didn't know what else to add without sounding clumsy or needy—or both—and so she just closed her lips for what seemed like hours, when she later realized it could only have been seconds.

"Next Saturday, well—I don't know if I—I'll have to—," Jade stammered, and before she could say anything else, Caroline forced herself to follow up.

"Just a casual evening; I—just some food and some wine—and I'll drive you home whenever you want to go."

"You don't—I mean, I—"

"Jade, please," Caroline said suddenly and sincerely, and she hoped that Jade realized how much Caroline wanted this date, and possibly a new chance, and while she hoped that her words conveyed her sincerity, she nervously scratched her right ring finger, trying to preoccupy herself while waiting for a response.

"I—I just wanna talk and I—I really enjoyed dinner last week."

Jade simply looked up, and for a few seconds the two women just stared into each other's eyes; with each second desire became more unbearable for Caroline, and she hoped Jade would get up and kiss her for hours, but instead the two just sat there, their bodies tense and their breathing controlled.

"Saturday should work. If something comes up, I'll let you know," Jade said concisely and distantly, and she got up faster than Caroline's gaze could follow her.

"Yeah—yeah, absolutely," was the only thing that Caroline was able to stammer, still being confused by the absurdity of the situation and Jade's unexpected answer, and before she could realize what had happened, Jade had left, only leaving the ghost image of a weak smile when she made her way out of the door.

It was only then that Caroline realized what had happened, and it was only then that she realized she had yet to tell Jade about her mother and Alan coming to dinner, and inform them about her new colleague—acquaintance, lady friend, girlfriend?—well, whatever Jade was. Suddenly, regrets overcame her body, and the first-perceived victory transformed into an intense insecurity and a fear of what was yet to happen.

TBC


End file.
